well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We need to get me chipped asap
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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