he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
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