I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
