my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
