Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
