tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
