So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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