News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
