I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
