fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
