I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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