Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
