The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
