i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
