Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
