I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
