No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
