dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
