i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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