In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
