fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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