Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
