how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
