smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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