Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize