I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize