Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
