i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
