i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
