i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
where are you?
Hypothermia
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
