I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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