Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
