Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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