Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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