I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
