we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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