I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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