My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
