When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize