New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
