your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
