I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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