honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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