Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
