i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
