is wine microwaveable?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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