I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
my poor anus
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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