I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
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