Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize