New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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