Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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