Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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