i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
