Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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