I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Semen is not good for contacts.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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