not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
