There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
