you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
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