Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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